Survive, Languish and Rally, Emerge ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Jinqiao

Last Saturday, November 3rd, was the second anniversary of my catastrophic skating injury.  I had planned to mention it here that day, but it seems there was some kind of mental hurdle to overcome first.  It requires a thoughtful exploration. This is rather dense and serious, so I'm breaking it up with some photos of the Family Painting Wall in Jinqiao.  前の土曜日、１１月三日は私の大災のスケートの事故の二年間記念日でした。ここに買いたかったが、長い時間考えた後に、そして下に全部の説明を書きます。あれは密集なまじめな書き事から、近所の家族の塗料ことの壁写真も載せます。でも、日本語の翻訳をできません。

SURVIVE is my word for the first year after the injury.  Nov 3rd, 2010, while on an easy 40 km skate with my friends in rural Japan, I fell down and broke my leg.  It is now clear that a piece of debris had lodged in the frame of the skate just so, and when I went over a slight rise, it shifted, tripping me up, twisting the leg and breaking it in two places.  Even now, it's hard for me to think too much about that moment.  But it was such a freaky thing, I can only believe it was somehow meant to happen.  Crucial to my destiny, all that.  

Getting through the initial trauma and treatment, the language and culture induced communication deficit, the lack of pain control, the isolation, fear, and despair- it was almost too much to bear.  Japan has socialized medicine, so I had to wait my turn for surgery, laying in skeletal traction in a crowded six-bed-ward for TEN DAYS.  As a skilled critical care nurse, I knew that wasn't right, and tried hard to get the nurses to follow basic immobilization precautions, with little success.  Nursing practice is the most backward part of that otherwise progressive society that I have unfortunately had to experience.

 Finally discharged after the surgery, I started out in high spirits, trying to recover my strength and mobility - always moving, always striving, but unfortunately, within a few days, on Dec. 8th, I was back in the ER in the middle of the night with nearly fatal complications.  Surviving the intensive treatment, anti-coagulation, an array of further medical issues, it was a dark December for my family and me.

The new year dawned and went on with me trying to regain my mobility, and trying to manage the pain and other issues.  I often took myself to the hospital by taxi and crutches for outpatient rehabilitation, which is where I was when the earthquake struck in March.  Oh, what a tough time that was.  I hesitate to lament, as so many people lost their lives in the disaster, but the aftermath of the tsunami and nuclear disaster was quite stressful.  

Then, the big move out of Japan, sending our stuff and our lives to both China and Michigan, after living in the same place for ten years.  Those weeks of preparation were fraught with uncertainty and discouragement, not to mention physical exhaustion and pain, but that summer in Ann Arbor was a welcome respite.  Then, taking my daughter to college and leaving for China, and all that that would entail...  What a terrible year, but survival was the name of the game, and I did survive, thanks to much support from family and friends.

LANGUISH and RALLY characterizes the second year, which has just now come to a close.  A series of small advances alternating with discouraging weakness and lack of progress.  Hope and despair.  Small steps forward and frequent disappointments.  A year is a long time, so it is helpful to remember where I was just twelve months ago.  We lived in a two story apartment then, and going downstairs was difficult and painful; going up was exhausting and made me short of breath.  I couldn't move at all in the mornings.  My leg was a mess, there was still a lot of pain, and I had a severe limp which was causing hip problems.  More, it was the non-medical results of my injury that were causing just as much misery- changed body image, mental exhaustion, crushed spirit.  

But I was beginning with a trainer, which would end up helping tremendously.  The doctor visits started up again in China, with a new cardiologist, orthopedic surgeon, hematologist, as well as my internist and other consults.  Eventually, we traveled to Hong Kong for surgery to have five pins removed, which was a turning point, as recovering the full range of motion of my ankle made a surprising difference overall.  

Finally getting to meet my new granddaughter was a sweet event among the challenges.  Eventually getting through the uncertainties of Martin's job, helping him move to Michigan, and moving Jonah and I closer to his school here in Jinqiao, and managing with the drastic change in company support has ended me up where I am now.

EMERGE will be my word for this next phase.  Now that the third year post injury has begun, I desperately want to make up for lost time, to wake up and seize this opportunity.  The leg is good, the other issues are either resolved or controlled, I'm losing weight and feeling more like myself.  I'm staying busy doing several worthy activities, and I have a very special project I am working on every day.  I will have a few months, here in Shanghai, without an excess of distractions or pressures, and I really want to make something positive out of those two years of experience.  

My novel, that elusive book which I had always assumed was somewhere in me, is beginning to trickle onto the page.  Via some tools like 750 words, Nanowrimo, and Scrivener, I'm starting to get the words down, beginning to put together a story that is not about "me" but uses my calamity as fodder.  Hopefully it will be a well-written, interesting, entertaining and uplifting story of healing and emergence.  Certainly there is a legitimate concern that I won't get it written, I do have a serious issue with procrastination, so perhaps thats why I'm writing about it here.

Comments

[Kim Holt]

Pam- This was a very interesting story. I had no idea your injury was as serious as it was, but I'm glad that you're headed in a positive direction! I enjoyed reading this, and I'm sure the tome you're headed to writing will be well done and interesting. Good luck! Kim Holt

[Char]

Pam, When you went through your divorce you were ALONE, but then you met Martin....thank GOD he was there for you as well as the kids after your accident cuz I cannot ever be there for you. I pray for you now...I will pray God helps you find the words for your novel. I am thankful he answered our prayers for your survival. I love you!

[Pamela]

Char> There was a time, before the first surgery, after a few days of laying there in skeletal traction, when the nurses wouldn't let me talk on my phone, and I couldn't reach my computer and I felt so profoundly alone. I suddenly realized that not only could I lose the leg, but I could lose my life, and I felt deeply sorry for myself. It was then, that I felt the power of the prayers that were being said for me. I could actually feel it in my arms and shoulders, like a weight being lifted. We are never really alone.

[Pamela]

Kim> Thank you for your comment. One thing I learned is that we never really know what anyone is going through in their deeper lives away from the surface. Friends who knew all about my accident and the complications would still forget all about it. Months later, they would be surprised to find out I was still recuperating.

YES! I need all the luck I can get with my writing- I only mentioned it here because I am really doing it now, not just thinking through the characters and plot, but really getting the words down. The best way to become a better writer is to write, and I hope that what I'm writing now isn't just practice, but actually culminates in a book.